College Field Guide: Intellectualis Pseudiforas

It’s nearly September, and that means millions of people across the nation are heading off to college, many for the first time.  There they will meet many new and exciting types of people, some of which they will, in retrospect, with they hadn’t.  I hope to adequately define a specific species of student, Intellectualis Pseudiforas, better known as the Common Pseudo-Intellectual. 

            The Pseudo-Intellectual has been observed to inhabit every college campus in the country, with high concentrations present in nearby coffee shops and book stores.  The Pseudo-Intellectual often travels alone or in small packs, occasionally gathering into large groups.  They have been known to share territory with Floralis Neohipnia (The New-Age Hippy) and Genes Excrucia (The Tortured Artist).  Some vital symbiotic relationship between these groups and others has been hypothesized, but never proven.

Famous example of Intellectualis Faux (Fake Genius)

            Unlike other members of its genus, the Pseudo-Intellectual is difficult to identify by sight, and can appear similar to species ranging from Genius Perezoso (Slacker ‘Genius’) to Phillus Xeno (‘Wannabe’ Foreigner).  The most accurate way to determine if you’ve encountered a Pseudo-Intellectual is by listening.  The Pseudo-Intellectual will often start sentences with “Did you know…” and “X said” (X being any famous author, philosopher, or historical figure), or some variation thereof. 

            The remainder of the Pseudo-Intellectual’s vocal range is almost exclusively comprised of paraphrased recitations of what a professor said earlier in the day.  As an interesting side note: the Pseudo-Intellectual and its relative Intellectualis Verdad (The True Intellectual) can best be differentiated by their calls. (The True Intellectual’s speech is often an extrapolation of recently learned information, or a connection between two previously unconnected ideas.)

            While mostly harmless, the Pseudo-Intellectual is an annoying creature and, if given attention, a persistent one.  When (there is no ‘if’) forced to interact with a Pseudo-Intellectual, the best course of action is to make yourself seem as uninterested as possible.  Once the Pseudo-Intellectual has concluded that you are not an easy source of attention, it will leave in search of another source of validation.