Why Twilight (the movie) sucks

I did not like “Twilight” for a myriad of reasons.  The poor acting and the unnecessary voice-overs were partly responsible for my attitude, but the most egregious offender was the erratic and often incomprehensibly stupid actions and decisions of the characters. In fact, a majority of the conflict in the film could have been averted if the characters were not suffering from a dearth of common sense.  This refusal to utilize even the most rudimentary mental facilities challenged my suspension of disbelief more than the premise of  friendly Northwestern vampires.  Every character is guilty of this at some point.

Bella’s father exhibits erratic behavior when he decides to go to another county to help them investigate an animal attack.  Meaning that he’s abandoning his city to no conceivable benefit to anyone.  But his greatest blunder is in the investigation of the murder victim in Forks.  He finds a footprint in the meadow and,  with no other information or evidence, decides that a) the foot print belongs to the killer and b) the killer is no longer in Forks therefore c) he stops investigating the death of his friend.

When Bella meets Jacob at the beach, he tells her that there is a secret myth in the Quileute tribe.  The myth is that in exchange for not hunting on Quileute land, the Quileute people will not reveal the Cullens’ true nature.  This secrecy is the foundation for their truce.  Yet there are readily available books containing this story, identifying the true nature of the Cullens.    If the truce is so important, why was the myth published?  Why didn’t the Quileute people buy or destroy all the copies of said books?

The Cullens themselves are not much brighter than the other characters.  When Edward brings Bella to his home, he explains that the family always enrolls in high school so that they can claim to be teenagers and stay in one place longer.  It is worth remembering that being around living people is a serious temptation for the Cullens, which makes it so much more baffling that they hadn’t decided on homeschooling.  Another example of the Cullens’ lack of basic cognitive abilities comes at the end of the climactic fight scene.  Bella has been bitten, and someone needs to suck the venom out.  Carlisle (who has successfully shown restraint while drinking the blood of the living on multiple occasions) asks Edward (who has stated that his desire for Bella’s blood is greater than anything he’s ever experienced) to suck the venom out of Bella’s blood, despite being perfectly capable of doing it himself, thus putting her in unnecessary danger.

Even Bella’s mother displays her inherent ineptitude when she meets Bella at the hospital after the climax.  According to her, the Cullens had explained that her injuries (serious blood loss, deep cuts, bruises and probably broken bones) were due to “falling down two flights of stairs and out a window.”  (I'm guessing this was after she walked into a door.)  While I wouldn’t expect her to assume that Bella was injured during a vampire battle in a ballet studio, any rational individual would have assumed domestic abuse.  Especially since, as far as Bella’s father knew, she had just broken up with Edward and run off.

But it is Bella who really ruins things.  Edward spends considerable time and energy explaining to her that he is incredibly dangerous and wants to hurt her, and she chooses to stay by his side regardless of his pleas that she do otherwise.  It is hard to sympathize with Bella when she’s in trouble, because she had been given enough warning and opportunity to avoid said trouble.

All the characters behave in a way that makes no sense, so long as it is convenient to the plot.  This makes the story seem, at the best, contrived, and at the worst, imbecilic.

"The Room" Explained

While most people like the room because of the horrible acting, stupid story, and overall horribleness, it actually tells a very subtle story that you can only find by reading between the lines:

Claudette is the head of a drug syndicate.  Everyone except for Johnny and Denny are aware and/or  involved in this.  Lisa is in a relationship with Johnny so that she can use his connections at the bank to launder money.  She was forced into the relationship by Claudette, who values the success of her business over her daughter’s well-being, which is why Lisa doesn’t just leave Johnny nor does Claudette get upset when she’s told that Johnny hit her.

            The phrase “breast cancer” is actually code for an informant close to the heart of the operation and Claudette is worried that the house is bugged.  This fear is later given weight by the tape recorder Johnny uses to spy on Lisa.  The informant is, in fact, Peter. The syndicate members start to suspect him, as evidenced by Mark holding him over the edge of a building.  In Peter’s final scene, they all change into tuxedos.  This is because Mark wants to make sure he is not wearing a wire.  When Peter is driven off by the taunting, Mark follows and kills him.

            The scene with the drug dealer on the roof is especially important because this isn’t one of Claudette’s dealers.  Claudette and Lisa are worried that someone is trying to make a move on their turf by coming after someone close to them.  Despite Johnny’s wishes, Mark convinces him not to call the police and takes care of it himself. 

            Mike and Michelle (the couple that have the chocolate and blowjob scene early on) are near the top of the organization.  They are responsible for collecting the money from everyone beneath them, and pop in to Lisa’s house sporadically to drop it off.    Mark is the enforcer, and Lisa is heir to the top position. This is why Mark is able to meet Lisa and Johnny at any time of the day.  It is also why they never have to pay at the café, which is just a front for their illicit business.

            The photograph of the spoon and overall lack of personal effects in Johnny and Lisa’s house is due to Lisa’s inability to settle down in one spot.  She was raised in a volatile and violent environment in which she would have to move at a moment’s notice and leave everything behind.  Her inability to maintain a sense of normalcy includes her relationship with Johnny, whom she doesn’t love and is being forced by her mother to stay with.  She starts sleeping with Mark to take control of her own life and hopes that Johnny will find out and leave her.

            Mark’s feelings towards Lisa are more complex.  He has legitimately come to like Johnny, but he doesn’t want to upset Lisa because he is afraid of Claudette.  He does eventually develop feelings for Lisa, if only because of her position of power within the syndicate. 

            At the party, the character Steven is introduced.  After Peter was killed, Johnny’s tape recorder was discovered, leading Claudette to believe that there was another traitor.  Steven’s job was to find out who in the syndicate could be trusted. 

            When Lisa sees that Johnny was the one tapping the phone and he was just trying to see if she was cheating on him, she realizes that she can use this to make Claudette get rid of him.  She calls Mark, partly because she wants to see him, partly to spite Johnny.  This sends Johnny into a rage, ending with his suicide.  At finding his body, Mark flees before the police arrive.  While Lisa will always be bent to her mother’s will, she is at least free of the relationship she was forced into.

Stop with the Awful Christmas Music!

I work in a super market, and since it's December, all the annoying Top 40 muzac has been replaced with Christmas music.  And it needs to stop.  Ignoring the fact that most Christmas music is just the same ten songs "re-imagined" by a million different artists, the songs are particularly infuriating.  Answer me this:  Why don't we listen to Christmas music in June or August or anytime that's not near Christmas?  Because it's fucking awful!
And it wouldn't be so bad if radio stations/stores/everyone just threw in the occasional Christmas song to the standard mix, but they feel that they have to play Christmas music EXCLUSIVELY!  And I say enough is enough.  We need to stop catering to the 1% of people who actively enjoy Christmas music so much that the idea of not hearing it all fucking day is intolerable.  We need to cast off our shackles, stand proud, and say, "I don't care about Rudolph, or Frosty, or Jingle Bells.  I don't care who Santa's watching, or who's watching Santa kissing their mom.  I am the 99%, and I am sick of Christmas music."